The Little Things...

I have been in a deep dark place the past few weeks, I come up for air every once in awhile but I feel sad, and lonely and stuck. I know this is just temporary, I am stressed out about money and have been looking for a job with no luck for awhile now. My FWB has been really busy at work b/c they had layoffs and we hadn't been together for like 3wks. In that time I had bought some cheap frames, painted them, and hung the certificates I have earned over the past six months. When he was getting ready to leave he noticed them, and went over and read each one to see what they were for. At the time I blew it off saying I still had four more to go, but he is the first person to acknowledge my efforts with out me tooting my own horn so to speak. They are not easy certifications to earn and 2/3 of the class has dropped out or dropped down to another class. So I'm acknowledging the pat on the back that I got today. Sometimes it's not the grand gestures but the little things that mean so much.

MV

Another year...

Well I have a little more then 24hrs until my 34th birthday. This has been a year of growth, pain, tears, new friends, sex, and chocolate :P I'm trying to feel like I'm not walking in circles.

I think personally I am better off. I started having sex and had a brief relationship. I've tried to make new friends, I'm not so sure I have done a great job but I'm out there trying. I joined a bbw meetup group, got kicked out, had a friend start another group, and have actually organized outings. Yeah me.

Of course I started school and didn't quit even though I feel way over my head. If I actually do anything useful with my certifications is another thing. I don't feel confident in my skills at all. Which of course finds me without a job, STILL!!! I wonder if I am going to end up working at McDonalds or Subway.

Sex for the wrong reasons?

Sex should feel good right? So if I use sex as an emotional booster is there anything wrong with that. I'm not sleeping around by any means, but if given the opportunity to have sex with one of my partners I'm there. If I was looking for love from impossible situations that would be bad, but I am just looking for the natural boost of chemicals released from sex. I enjoy myself and I would hate to feel the need to stop b/c it's emotionally stunted or some other psychological mumbo jumbo. Of course physically I'm hurting right now b/c I gave a too long hand job. LOL. I guess I should have switched hands. Maybe that means I can get a massage tomorrow. I think I'm going to try and reset my clock today so possibly no sleep for most of 24hrs. This not sleeping at night sucks.

Falling...

I've been pretty good for a year, only getting depressed around my period but things are looking dark and dismal. I have been seriously looking for work for over a month and haven't even gotten a nibble. Money is non-existent. The men in my life have almost completely disappeared. Not that I didn't expect that, they were only here for sex. If my life isn't a free wheeling good time then see ya. TM is sick again, I know as a friend I should be concerned but I'm just tired. I just want to sit and stare at the walls and wonder why I keep ending up in the same place when I try so hard not to. I'm behind in school, don't know if I'll catch up this time, but does it really matter, I don't foresee a job coming from this work. I could of been looking for a job months ago instead of wasting my time on this crap that doesn't seem to me anything as far as jobs are concerned. I know I don't feel anymore qualified to do anything. I need to sleep but at night is when the crying starts. Sometimes I wish someone could hear me, though I always hide in shame. How dare I be depressed, I've only lost everything I've worked for since I was 14 including my self-respect.