Girly things...

I'm not one for many girly things. I currently own two dresses. I've only worn one. It had been six years before that since I wore a dress. From high school till a couple years ago I only wore eyeliner and mascara and that was probably less than 20x a year. Like I said I'm not one for girly things.

I have been really down for awhile. Not the staring at walls unable to even carry out the most basic necessities in life but pretty close. I have gotten decent at picking myself up and pulling myself from the abyss in the past year or so. This has been a particularly hard one. I'm seriously out of money once I pay the rent and my car insurance. I have been sick with a cold since before Christmas and therefore even if I had money to spend to go out I wasn't feeling up to it.

Where am I going with the previous two seemingly random paragraphs. I have been fighting my hair for probably two months now. My hair is thin but I have lots of it. One of those girly things I hate to do is get my hair cut. I'm lucky if I manage 2-3 cuts a year. But my hair was lifeless and dull, just hanging, or more likely pulled back into a ponytail. Wednesday there was a coupon in the mail for a $5.99 haircut, there went my excuse about money. I drove by the closest Great Clips on Wednesday but there were three people waiting. What do I hate more than getting a haircut? Waiting to get a haircut. Friday I drove by and no one was waiting...Sigh. So I ran home and grabbed my coupon. When I got there there was one person ahead of me, while I waited five people came in, I would have walked out if there was that many people when I got there. I lucked out and got a stylist that laughed at my sarcastic comments and didn't feel the need to constantly chatter. Having to make small talk is one of the more excruciating aspects of getting my hair cut. Along with the required comments about me having great hair (not if I actually blew it dry it would take an hour) and about the color of my hair. I don't know what color it is, naturally I think it's somewhere in the ashy brown range, from the box who knows. Lots of times I dye it auburn but the red washes out so I'm left with auburn minus the red. Sometimes the comment on my color is an attempt to get me to have them do the color. I have had my hair colored 6-8 times professionally and all but 2x the color was horrible. Explain to me how I can randomly pick a color/brand every couple of months and it looks fine and you do color for a living and can't get a decent shade on my head.

My next stop was to get my eyebrows done, I had some bushy caterpillars in residence above my eyes. I also hate getting my eyebrows waxed not b/c it stings a little but b/c of the comments. Invariably they try to suggestive sell getting my lip or my whole face done. First, this is rather insulting, I have some light hair above my lip but unless you are trying to lock lips with me it's not that noticeable. And I pity the guy that comments about the hair above my lip when he wants to kiss me. Don't plan on it buddy. Now as far as the rest of my face, I do get black hairs on my cheeks, chin, and neck, but not so much that I would need it waxed. I have had my face and lip waxed and ripped out by a process they call stringing I believe. One when I get waxed my face breaks out and it burns when I sweat, not pleasant. Two stringing should be banned under the Geneva convention barring torture. If anyone was unwise enough to try the epi-lady in the late 80's the feel is something like that but your face is more sensitive then your legs. And no I am not a wimp about pain, I have had Brazilian waxes and they were slightly painful but not nearly as bad as stringing. After trying to suggestive sell (insult me) the next thing is my eyebrows are too hairy. Well maybe if you didn't make me feel like a hairy monster when I came in I wouldn't go so long between waxes.

So now my hair is cut (not sure if I'll be able to do anything with the cut yet) and my eyebrows are waxed. I colored my hair this morning and I'm going to try and remember to put on make-up and jewelry. Not because I'm suddenly becoming girly but taking pride in how you look helps your self-esteem and that helps chase the depression away.

Hunting...

So I went out hunting for meat tonight. I'm going to start back on my zero carb journey. No soda this time. I'm eating some tortilla chips as I type. Not what I would chose as my last carb laden meal but such is life. I'm not expecting miracles but at the least feel like I'm in control of what I'm eating. I will save money on food too, which is extremely important. Hopefully I wont have as many gastrological issues this time. I bought 7 3lbs tubes of ground beef, so I hope that lasts me maybe 8 or 9 days. I wish I could afford non-ground meat for at least one meal a day. I think that helps with my digestion.

I think J is thinking of breaking his 60day celibacy pledge. Hopefully I get well before he caves :D

Broken...

I'm back on the fucked up day/night backwards sleep schedule. I'm so sick of hiding what I really feel. I don't want to complain all the time though, life sucks get a helmet. People ask me why I can't sleep. i tell them b/c I'm stressed. Yeah it's stress but what I don't say is once I turn of any outside stimulus I start crying and can't stop. I feel broken inside. How can someone who was always strong and independent feel so week and lost? I don't even know if I will be able to hold a fast food job if I get one. Will I have an anxiety attack or start crying like a baby if someone looks at me crossways? The worst is feeling alone. Who do I turn to and tell these things that I'm so ashamed of. A few people seemed sympathetic to what was happening when I first got sick but now I think even they think I'm lazy or worse yet forever broken. I don't have a safety net if I'm broken so it's a non-issue. Broken or not I have to go about the business of being a productive member of society. So tomorrow I will hope/dread a call from Subway to get a job. Maybe I'll surprise myself and not be an utter failure at something which should be a cakewalk for me. Think positive, right? I will regain some confidence just with the act of working and I will restart this so called life. :)

The Little Things...

I have been in a deep dark place the past few weeks, I come up for air every once in awhile but I feel sad, and lonely and stuck. I know this is just temporary, I am stressed out about money and have been looking for a job with no luck for awhile now. My FWB has been really busy at work b/c they had layoffs and we hadn't been together for like 3wks. In that time I had bought some cheap frames, painted them, and hung the certificates I have earned over the past six months. When he was getting ready to leave he noticed them, and went over and read each one to see what they were for. At the time I blew it off saying I still had four more to go, but he is the first person to acknowledge my efforts with out me tooting my own horn so to speak. They are not easy certifications to earn and 2/3 of the class has dropped out or dropped down to another class. So I'm acknowledging the pat on the back that I got today. Sometimes it's not the grand gestures but the little things that mean so much.

MV

Another year...

Well I have a little more then 24hrs until my 34th birthday. This has been a year of growth, pain, tears, new friends, sex, and chocolate :P I'm trying to feel like I'm not walking in circles.

I think personally I am better off. I started having sex and had a brief relationship. I've tried to make new friends, I'm not so sure I have done a great job but I'm out there trying. I joined a bbw meetup group, got kicked out, had a friend start another group, and have actually organized outings. Yeah me.

Of course I started school and didn't quit even though I feel way over my head. If I actually do anything useful with my certifications is another thing. I don't feel confident in my skills at all. Which of course finds me without a job, STILL!!! I wonder if I am going to end up working at McDonalds or Subway.

Sex for the wrong reasons?

Sex should feel good right? So if I use sex as an emotional booster is there anything wrong with that. I'm not sleeping around by any means, but if given the opportunity to have sex with one of my partners I'm there. If I was looking for love from impossible situations that would be bad, but I am just looking for the natural boost of chemicals released from sex. I enjoy myself and I would hate to feel the need to stop b/c it's emotionally stunted or some other psychological mumbo jumbo. Of course physically I'm hurting right now b/c I gave a too long hand job. LOL. I guess I should have switched hands. Maybe that means I can get a massage tomorrow. I think I'm going to try and reset my clock today so possibly no sleep for most of 24hrs. This not sleeping at night sucks.